Self love

Today, probably the best feeling I had besides having extremely enough sleep is that I bought myself ice cream and I ate it while walking down a busy street.

And I got reminded today that I have been missing out on the most important thing..

Forgiving myself.

After everything, I’ve realized that I haven’t forgiven myself yet.

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Slowly, but getting there

I never expected myself to fall into the harsh reality of what love is. It didn’t take so much (well it actually did) for me to realize that I fell head over heels (and to add to that, stupidly) over someone.

I won’t go much into details, maybe just the lessons I’ve picked up along the way.

When you love deeply, wholly and truly, expect to get hurt as much as well.

Maybe that’s just about it. Someone told me about it before and it took a rollercoaster of emotions for me to understand.

Vulnerability hits you hard, and you’re stripped off all the walls you put up, and you take on this big pill of courage and you ask yourself, “Is it even worth it?” And even if you don’t know the answer, you take that big leap. Into that unknown, not even knowing if the risk would be worth it.

Vulnerability. That word eats us alive. It’s something we tell ourselves that we do not want to experience, but realizing now that it makes us alive. We got so wired up in putting up walls so that we won’t get hurt, but it is only in this way that we truly live.

When you love wholly, deeply, and truly, you get hurt the same way as well.

And I may be slow in recognizing it, but I’m getting there. After all, in life, it is always the test before the lesson.

Inspiration

It has been so long since I wrote here. I keep telling myself to write, to express, and to just allow creativity to flow, but I feel blocked. Writer’s block, some may say, but I keep saying that I have been so uninspired to write about anything. I don’t feel that I was moved by anything in the past few days (or let’s just say months) that I thought that I couldn’t write anything or just talk about anything.

Looking back, well to the start of my journey in healing (HAHA I JUST HAD TO), I have had my emotions in check, keeping them all in almost all the time. I have always felt that I am not allowed to express anything — or maybe just allow a front to show. Have a brave face on, always. Or like what they say in any transformational seminar I have attended, be grounded , be focused on your center. I think I got too jaded with it that I was not able to control my emotions, looking back on it now. I have so much pent up anger — whining about schedules, things i cannot control, mostly. And I have been choosing to show only one emotion — happiness, laughter, even if it is empty — just to show that I have been putting on a brave face. Writing about this now made me see how much introspection I need in my life right now probably because looking into things makes me a whole lot grateful.

I’ve been thinking of what to write about ever since I started working in a hospital. And right now, I think there’s really something beautiful in it. Ironic how much I complain about it, but I think it has been a really beautiful experience. I never realized it til now. In the past year that I have been working in a hospital, I have been exposed to life (as it is) in the closest way possible. Started it off with seeing new parents’ faces light up as they see their child come in, seeing everyone welcome the new blessing into their lives. Probably one of the best feelings as a nurse is removing all the contraptions on the patient — like removing their iv line, foley catheter, seeing them from being in pain to being able to walk again, and being independent and caring for themselves. It’s like seeing people in love for the first time. There are so many times that I wish I had a camera to capture those moments. But there are also moments that I see in the hospital that breaks my heart every time.

I’ve asked friends before if they’ve seen love in it’s purest form in the hospital. They usually can’t answer it. Me? I think I see it every time I see someone pass away. It’s ironic, and sad. But when people (patients) are at the brink of death, everything comes out — I love yous, Sorry’s, I forgive yous, Thank yous. It makes me wonder why does it have to be when you’re nearly at the end of the road when it happens? Why can’t we say I love you when we feel like it, or because we do? But I guess it’s still something beautiful, seeing love in that form. The transition from painful-I-dont-want-to-let-go to I-love-you-I’m-letting-you-go-thank you-for-everything, is probably the most human thing I’ve seen in the past year.

I keep rambling about not being able to find inspiration, but here I am writing on, rambling about what I see. It’s probably a blessing to have been working in a hospital. Because at the end of the day, all you see is the beauty of vulnerability.

People take their masks off and show who they are, whether it be because of joy, of pain, of sorrow, or of love. You get to see the most humanest quality of humans– being stripped naked of their masks, facades and just simply be.

Passion

It is breathtaking to hear and listen to someone talk about their dreams– be it who they want to be, what they want to achieve and simply what brings joy and peace to their heart is music to my ears, and maybe “music” to all my senses.

Have you ever observed people talk about what brings them joy? Try looking at their eyes, there’s a certain sense of confidence and trust and if you’re lucky enough to see it, a sparkle or a twinkle in their eyes.
There’s a certain excitement in their voice, and it reflects in the timbre of the story and the rate it goes, as their story progresses. If you would notice their hands, it goes in all directions, as if they cannot contain the positive energy that comes off as they talk about their dreams, the people they love, and what brings them joy.

It is quite addicting, especially when you get to hear AHA moments, and hearing them talk about themselves, their journey of self discovery, and self love.

It is only then that you realize that you have had an encounter with the soul of that person, their full being. It is only then that you see how beautiful people are, and that you are, as well.

“And if you lose yourself, I will find you.” 

Last saturday, as I went to mass all by myself, because I think I wouldn’t make it to sunday mass, and attended anticipated mass. It has always been an amazing experience, going to mass all by myself. 

I have been beating myself up lately because I feel spiritually disconnected in the most important time to be connected with God. (Well, for me, that is). Things have been going haywire — in the most literal sense, in my life because I feel like i don’t pray. (i know, too much guilt, for no apparent reason). 

But last Saturday’s celebration of the Holy Eucharist was somehow a gentle hug, a reminder that I am still loved, and that there is a plan for me. 

For several days, or probably weeks, I have been doubting myself– in all aspects. I have been too focused on one thing in my life that I have the tendency of forgetting the rest. It’s like I allowed my work to define who I am, but it’s only a part of who I am. I have been making excuses for everything because I want to rest, I want to have everything under control. I want things done my way. 

And yes, you’ve guessed right. The lesson once again is about surrendering, letting go and acceptance. 

Last Sunday’s gospel reminded me of who I really am — my spiritual contract, and also reminded me to open my eyes, because maybe, I haven’t been seeing clearly. 

And I did open my eyes. 

The world is beautiful. My world is beautiful, and that everything that is happening is just a perfect plan unfolding for me. I am reminded that life isn’t perfect, and I don’t need to force perfection upon it. 

It also reminded me to take a breath. *deep breath*

Surrender and let go. 

How magnificent it is to realize that I am not alone. 

Day (461) – You vs.

The Better Man Project ™

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“We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.” – Aristotle

It’s you vs. you.

Don’t be mistaken.

It’s not you vs. anyone else.

Anything else.

Something else.

It may appear to be that way.

But it really isn’t.

It’s you vs. you.

The fight is within.

The exterior is just the playing field.

You make yourself the best you can.

Take it to the limits.

Break barriers.

Jump over obstacles.

Defy your previous handicaps.

It’s you vs. you.

It’s all in your head.

Now go win.

– E.

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