My lesson on Fear

Fear is one word in my vocabulary that I’m very familiar with. Fear is something alive in my blood, something I feel in every inch of my body.

Fear is something that placed me where I am right now. I have been shaped so much by my fear and right now, I think it’s what people see me as. Not as a fearful woman, but what my fear has made me.

So, if you would ask, what is my fear? I fear rejection, I fear pain, I fear being disliked. And I lived with that fear. Every single move, calculated. I was afraid to look bad in front of my parents, my friends. How would that look like? Small things. Getting embarrassed for the smallest things like tripping, spilling something on myself, or doing something an ideal eldest sibling would not do (getting wasted, having bad grades.) If I looked bad, I will not live up to the standards of what an “ate” should be. I fear being imperfect, and such were my actions. Well calculated, very prim and proper, forcing myself to grow up and be the “best”.

Perhaps there is truly nothing wrong with that, considering where I am right now. I have no regrets of what my fear has done to me, but I know, I know deep in my heart that there is something so much greater than this. Something so much greater than the sinking feeling of the fear eating me up alive everyday.

Funny how people think fear fuels their lives. I learned, along the way that fear was vital for me to experience for me to discover a magnificent part of myself, of my being.

I actually came to a point wherein I got so tired of living in fear, living to what society (in my case, my family) thought of me, expected of me. I wanted to break loose, to break free. I was sure of it. But how?

Then I heard this tiny voice in me, telling me to choose love, choose courage. To speak my heart, and just allow myself to be free, to be free from all the fear, all the blame, shame and guilt. And just to let out that tiny voice, and maybe, just maybe, the possibilty of someone listening to me (rather than rejecting me) can happen. And I did. I broke free from all the fear, all the limits and how wonderful it is to live choosing love. Making my love so much bigger than my fear.

“Perfect love casts out fear” 1 John 4:18 — I saw this on a bracelet my classmate in ikepono was wearing, probably months after I started taking control of my life and breaking free of my fear. It was a simple reminder, yet til at this moment, etched in my heart.

Fear is a part of life, as much as we want to escape it. I sure did try, it didn’t work. Completely surrendering to it, and allowing my love to take over it helped me A WHOLE LOT. And I’m so proud to say right now, that I have broke free. I wish you will too, soon. Baby steps!

Opportunity

Opportunity.

So much power in one word. So many wonderful things that can unfold because of this word. It may be a push button word for some people, but sometimes, it can also be a word used too much to simply ignite a fire in their hearts.

I keep seeing, hearing (and also actually saying) that “Everyday is another chance, another opportunity.” When I see that, my heart immediately jumps out and just tells me face-to-face, that my day isn’t over yet.

Wonderful how this sentence comes to me in the most awesomest (sorry for the lack of a better term) way possible. This is coming from personal experience and I’m not even kidding that it did happen. Everytime I’m at my point of giving up, when I’m thisclose in giving everything up, in just quitting, I see this sentence — “Every moment is another chance.” It reminds me so magnificently of the beauty of everyday moments, of everyday opportunities. Opportunities to love, to take courage, to play full out in my life.

Right now, I believe that God’s magical way of talking with me is through that word. (Well in combination with something else. Remember this, signs are God’s messages, and I hold on to this belief).

Opportunity. Such a golden word for me now.

It’s my trigger button. It drives this light in me to grow and simply to keep it alive in my heart.

Pulchra Vita

Took me a long time to figure out what I want for a blog name for this new blog I’m making.

Pulchra Vita. Latin for “beautiful life”.

If you would ask, why beautiful life? Why pulchra vita? Well, dear reader, I’m making a declaration. This new blog is a declaration of my new life, of a new, beautiful life that will unfold so magically and wonderfully.

I will be updating this blog more often, and to be perfectly honest, it would be really more about how I experience myself everyday, the values I experience everyday. And a few health lessons here and there, and financial lessons too!

I am honoring my profession and also giving the world what they should know, health wise, all options. Financial literacy, integrated lessons from Napoleon Hill’s book Think and Grow Rich would also be some kind of wonderful.

I’m just so excited to create this new beautiful life! I believe in everyday miracles!