The Love Month Series. (February 28, 2013)

This is a letter I’m writing to me. So let’s pretend I’m from the future and writing to my present self right now.

Dear Me, 

Let me start this by saying that I love you. I know it’s hard for you to accept this love, because I found it hard too. I find it hard to accept people’s love, because I feel I do not deserve it. Let me tell you some things about the future that may guide you in your present life. 

1. You are perfectly imperfect. — I’ve always tried being perfect, AND IT NEVER WORKS, BELIEVE ME. I always end up hurting myself, and beating myself up. Also frustrated and disappointed. I wouldn’t want you to go through the same thing I did. So please, remember that it’s okay to make mistakes while growing up.

2. It doesn’t matter what path you take, as long as you choose which path you want to take. I know you’re at a point of deciding and asking yourself what you want to do in your life. Guess what, YOU’RE EXTREMELY TALENTED. And it really doesn’t matter what path (I’m talking about career here) that you’d take. WHAT MATTERS IS IF IT MAKES YOU HAPPY. And also if it’s what God wants for you. 

3. Take time to read leisurely, relax and play. I know you, you’d spend so much time worrying about work or school or helping the next person. Golden rule: FLY. First, Love Yourself. Give yourself time to heal, time to rest and time for yourself. This is one of the most important things you should remember. I know you as someone who loves to put others first, but this time,  FLY. 

4. This will be the weirdest list because this fourth item is the last. Have time for God. I know it doesn’t make so much sense, considering you’ve been an active (and avid) church goer and lector since you were a kid, but this time, find a way to become closer to Him. I think you probably know what I mean. A deeper relationship with God. After all, He has plans for you and such great plans, believe me. 

5. Okay so there’s a number 5. Always remember that the future me believes in you so much. You are capable of so much and you are truly God’s beautiful creation of light. 

Always remember these 5 things, okay? I’m watching you from the future. Hihihi.

 

Love, 

 

Older You.

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The Love Month Series (The Ultimate Love)

So, apparently, I cannot post per day anymore, because I am not giving time into it. To compensate for my lack of posting per day, I will make my posts far substantial (than it already is).

It’s the Lenten season, and it is only this year that I realize how much love there is during the Lenten season. I never saw it before. I only thought that it was about sacrificing the things that I wanted cos Jesus died on the Cross for me. It never dawned on me that the little sacrifices that I make are acts of love for me to love Jesus more, and to be more like him. It never really dawned on me that it was that way.

So, this Lenten season, I told myself that I will abstain from judging, backstabbing and gossiping. I kept consulting with my dad what would be a good sacrifice and he kept telling me that the sacrifice that I am choosing to make is something that would bring me closer to God. He kept asking me,

What are your intentions? How will your sacrifice bring you closer to Christ? Will it make you more Christ-like? What value do you see yourself practicing?”

And it dawned on me. I wanted to experience myself this lent as a more compassionate woman, living in integrity. I am a lector in church after all — I felt that to be a person of integrity, I can choose what words to use, since I proclaim the Word of God.

So, I was feeling bad that I wasnt being such a “good person”, so I decided to tell my priest-confessor that I wanted to confess. On the day of confession, when I told him my sins, he was like,

“Bea, you have to remember that God LOVES YOU. He loves the real you, the true you, the one who sins, who is weak.”

And I couldn’t help but cry. I couldn’t fathom why He loves me so much, and I felt that I didn’t deserve the love.

I just couldn’t understand how can He love me so much and I couldn’t even love myself as much. I really couldn’t understand.

But it was in that moment, that I realized, that God’s love is so much bigger than who I am and how I accept myself.

Crazy, beautiful, magnificent love.

And I am blessed, and overwhelmed to be enveloped by this crazy, beautiful, magnificent love.

And I declare myself worthy of His love and of my own love.

If there is probably one thing that the start of this week has done for me, it is me experiencing to love myself wholly, truly and fully. No holding back, just giving myself the love that I deserve.

I am grateful.

I am loved deeply, crazily, beautifully and magnificently.

The Love Month Series (February 14, 2013)

So today is Valentine’s day. And it’s a pretty good day to go out and see all the beautiful things people do for the people they love…

 

AND I DECIDE TO STAY AT HOME AND LOVE MYSELF. 

But for some reason, I feel guilty. I know I am tired, and I know I do need this rest, but why is there this guilty feeling? 

Been trying to explore it all day… And it’s only now that I realize what it is. 

I’ve been denying myself love. Like loving myself wholly, fully, truly. I’ve been telling myself, and the people around me that this year is going to be LOVE MYSELF YEAR. 

But how come, the small act of staying at home, and resting is very hard for me? I now see how hard I am on myself, that even just a little bit love, I cannot give. 

Thank you, Valentine’s day, for giving me such a wake up call. 

Today is a day to love little harder, to give love, and to celebrate love. 

Guess what? I’m going to celebrate this love. 

 

(I’m sorry for not posting my loveadventures from the 4th to the 13th of February. It will come… When I have time to! WHICH I WILL MAKE TIME FOR! 🙂 ) 

Til then, my love for writing is still ignited, and I am happy. 

 

The Love Month Series (February 2, 2013)

Funny. The 2nd day of February (actually started during the late evening of February 1) was also filled with love. So much love. And this time, it was me giving the love. 

I felt myself giving love to the people whom I love. I never thought that I was capable of giving that much love. People always gave me feedback that I was such a loving and caring person, but I never saw myself that loving til the 2nd of February. 

I woke up early, really committing to wake up early because I promised my brother that I will be baking cookies because he had orders. So I woke up at 7 in the morning and started baking. I felt proud that I finished early since I will be going to a recital of my friend. 

Going to mass that day was also extra special.

I think I felt myself being such a loving person is when I went to my Alma Mater, UST, to watch and see one of my good friends, Honey do her graduation recital. And it was amazing! She has this beautiful voice that I would love the whole world to hear. Not even kidding. Not just saying this cos she’s my friend. 

It was also a day for me to bond with my sister, and just be in the moment of spending time together. 

What was different about this day is probably me allowing myself to be a good friend and lauding myself for it. 

And I thought, that when I got home, my day was over. Apparently, it wasn’t. 

At around 9 in the evening, my friend Ingrid called up and asked if we could hang out because she (and vlad) were sad. And I said yes. Fast forward, we went out, had fun and went home.

Amazing how much saying YES made me feel that day. Saying YES to simply loving, and simply caring. 

I am so proud of myself, seriously. 

The Love Month Series (February 1, 2013)

This is the continuation of what I wrote about February 1. This is what happened during the rest of the day. 

I feel blessed to have felt God’s love all over the day. I was able to give myself time to rest and I was able to be on time as well. I can say that God’s grace overflowed in me that day. I felt myself to be so free in a state of Grace and of love. 

I was blessed to have work that evening, a dinner with people from the twitterverse because these people wanted to pick the mind of my boss. I enjoyed the dinner, the friendly banter and the witty, in depth opinions of these people, who represented different sectors of society. I literally learned so much — religions, politics, basketball.. Name it, we talked about it. I really enjoyed being there and just enjoying the company of people I barely knew. 

I was compelled to share something to this kid (Yes, I talk like I’m sooo old) when he shared about something related to the faith, religion and spirituality. I felt the same way he did, probably in a different way, but I really resonated. I took the opportunity to talk to him and shared with him, hopefully without me forcing myself to be right, what I went through, and probably my side regarding some things he couldn’t fully comprehend regarding the Catholic faith. 

I could feel his resistance, that is without a doubt. It was evident on how he was acting, and with what he was saying. I remember feeling like I was on fire, like someone else was speaking on behalf of me, because seriously, I cannot even remember what I was saying. Though I felt that his heart was slowly opening up to what I was saying. 

What I remember saying is this:

“Maybe, why these things are happening is that no one is fighting for it as much anymore.” 

And suddenly, I saw something different in him. Like there was warmth in his eyes, and all walls went down. He said, 

“I hope I get to experience what you did, and discover that, too.

I felt really good, and proud of myself. I felt like I was able to do what I was asking God if I was capable of doing.

I felt so aligned at that moment, that I knew that everything happens for a reason. Everything has its own place, its own time. 

I am so proud of me. 

 

The Love Month Series. (February 1, 2013)

I never imagined that February would be the love month, also for me. I’m not expecting a big kind of love gesture, like something romantic. I never expected to experience love this BIG at the start of February.

Today, I was invited to commentate for Mother Goose Gradeschool’s 1st Communion and Confirmation affair. I was excited, nervous and a bit pissed off for coming in early. I wanted to sleep more, but we needed to be there early.

So I brought a book with me and was just reading and reading, til my dad told me that Fr Soc was in the sacristy already. I was kinda excited and nervous to see him because I wanted to talk to him about some things that I couldn’t bring myself to say.

Seeing him again made me feel God’s presence. I felt God’s grace enveloping me fully, and for some reason, I felt that I need not ask what I wanted to ask. I heard the answer.

I saw my tita who was suffering from cancer and she went there to have herself blessed by Fr Soc. While waiting for her to be finished, my mom, my aunt’s mom and sister were waiting for her. They were talking lightly til they started crying, and suddenly, I felt this overwhelming love they had for my tita. They just didn’t know how to express it.
I was at a lost for words, so I decided to go out.

Entering the church, I felt a surge of overwhelming love, joy and just the grace of God that I couldn’t escape. Children were excited, I could see proud parents and the teachers who prepared them for it were also as excited and proud. Suddenly, someone gave me a gift, a thank you token for me being there. I could feel the overflowing love.

And then the celebration began. I don’t know what was going on, but since the start, I felt myself welling up. I constantly had tears in my eyes. I felt the love and joy of the children, especially the children who were mainstreamed. They were just so excited to receive God. I couldn’t get over it. The joy was radiating with their every move.

Fr soc’s homily struck me immensely that I couldn’t help but cry earlier. He was talking to the children, asking them what they will be answering when he says, “The Body of Christ” and “Be sealed with the gift of the Holy Spirit”. And the children would answer, “amen!” And he asks, “Do you know what Amen means?”

He then started to explain what Amen meant. 
Amen meant 3 things: 
1. I adore – when you say Amen, you adore God. You praise God and it’s simply saying, I love God. (Forgive me, I do not clearly remember this part) 
2. I accept – when we say Amen, we open our arms and accept God’s love in our lives. We embrace this love and make it part of our lives. 
3. I announce – a declaration of faith that as you say amen, you announce the greatness of God’s love to everyone.

This brought tears to my eyes. It was explained so simply, yet it helped me remember how Great God’s love is.