It has been so long since I wrote here. I keep telling myself to write, to express, and to just allow creativity to flow, but I feel blocked. Writer’s block, some may say, but I keep saying that I have been so uninspired to write about anything. I don’t feel that I was moved by anything in the past few days (or let’s just say months) that I thought that I couldn’t write anything or just talk about anything.
Looking back, well to the start of my journey in healing (HAHA I JUST HAD TO), I have had my emotions in check, keeping them all in almost all the time. I have always felt that I am not allowed to express anything — or maybe just allow a front to show. Have a brave face on, always. Or like what they say in any transformational seminar I have attended, be grounded , be focused on your center. I think I got too jaded with it that I was not able to control my emotions, looking back on it now. I have so much pent up anger — whining about schedules, things i cannot control, mostly. And I have been choosing to show only one emotion — happiness, laughter, even if it is empty — just to show that I have been putting on a brave face. Writing about this now made me see how much introspection I need in my life right now probably because looking into things makes me a whole lot grateful.
I’ve been thinking of what to write about ever since I started working in a hospital. And right now, I think there’s really something beautiful in it. Ironic how much I complain about it, but I think it has been a really beautiful experience. I never realized it til now. In the past year that I have been working in a hospital, I have been exposed to life (as it is) in the closest way possible. Started it off with seeing new parents’ faces light up as they see their child come in, seeing everyone welcome the new blessing into their lives. Probably one of the best feelings as a nurse is removing all the contraptions on the patient — like removing their iv line, foley catheter, seeing them from being in pain to being able to walk again, and being independent and caring for themselves. It’s like seeing people in love for the first time. There are so many times that I wish I had a camera to capture those moments. But there are also moments that I see in the hospital that breaks my heart every time.
I’ve asked friends before if they’ve seen love in it’s purest form in the hospital. They usually can’t answer it. Me? I think I see it every time I see someone pass away. It’s ironic, and sad. But when people (patients) are at the brink of death, everything comes out — I love yous, Sorry’s, I forgive yous, Thank yous. It makes me wonder why does it have to be when you’re nearly at the end of the road when it happens? Why can’t we say I love you when we feel like it, or because we do? But I guess it’s still something beautiful, seeing love in that form. The transition from painful-I-dont-want-to-let-go to I-love-you-I’m-letting-you-go-thank you-for-everything, is probably the most human thing I’ve seen in the past year.
I keep rambling about not being able to find inspiration, but here I am writing on, rambling about what I see. It’s probably a blessing to have been working in a hospital. Because at the end of the day, all you see is the beauty of vulnerability.
People take their masks off and show who they are, whether it be because of joy, of pain, of sorrow, or of love. You get to see the most humanest quality of humans– being stripped naked of their masks, facades and just simply be.