I am in love with the sky, the same as I am in love with colors. How each and every hue creates this vibrant leap from my eyes to my heart. I wish I can say the same for people.
But maybe, I fall in love with people’s souls. How beautiful and wonderful everyone is, beneath all the pain, all the hurt, all the struggle.
And in that, they’re all the same, every time.
So I’m studying again! 🙂 I can do this! 🙂
Today I swallowed a big courage pill.
It was a regular work day, and I was on my long journey to work. I was praying the rosary in the bus and just felt myself let go. No need to perfect how I say the rosary, I know I was praying for safety. I was just relaxed and I wanted to just be.
I was listening to the radio after I was just feeling that today was extra hot and that there was nothing really wrong with it.
It was typically a normal day. I was even proud of myself for being able to share my umbrella with someone I didn’t know.
I kindof knew I would be spending quite some time in the bank, so I decided to text message someone I serve with at the Edsa Shrine. I swallowed my pride — being right and looking good and I asked for support, if she knows if there is an opening at the hospital where she works. And her answer was simple and asked me to send her my resume, so I did.
I was feeling really excited and nervous and also simply surrendered to whatever will happen. If God wills it, then so be it.
I went on with my day, spending the afternoon with one of my best friends. We had lunch, talked about life and just how we’re journeying right now.
And then, it became a series of blessedness. Series of lucky events.
1. My friend and I had lunch because my cue number for the bank was 251 and they were only serving 205.
When I went back, I was the one next.
2. I trusted my gut and peed before going to the next bank.
3. Fast transaction with the next bank.
4. Found telefax and scanner
5. Gizmo problem was raised.
I was feeling pretty proud and confident. I felt that I was taking charge of my life, not allowing just circumstances to take over. I even got affirmed by someone i called from this certain hospital because I was showing commitment.
So I was just feeling really lucky that my parents were in the same area that I was and they waited for me before we all went home.
I never knew what my courage and trust could do.
While in the car, an unknown number called my dad. And it was for me.
The hospital I submitted my requirements to called up to ask if I was available for an exam and interview tomorrow.
Of course, the obvious answer is, YES!
I am feeling pretty psyched and blessed and extremely grateful.
I am ready, and I accept all the blessings, Lord.
And to think I just told myself today that it’s time I take initiative and stop complaining.
And everything fell into place.
You are magnificent, Lord!!!
It’s the age-old supposed cure-all for all of life’s woes (especially involving matters of the heart): “loving yourself first.” I don’t know how many times I’ve had to hear this, but I imagine the number is up there because what I do know is how many times I’ve thought to myself: what does that even mean. Because it used to sound to me like some weird form of narcissism or delusional way of not acknowledging anything wrong you’ve done. It used to sound like it meant you shouldn’t take responsibility for yourself, or something like that. But low and behold, I’ve come to the conclusion that it actually means loving yourself because you are a flawed person, and despite the fact that you are imperfect. And while I’m at it, here are some other things that I think loving yourself really means:
1. Having the courage to forgive yourself. It…
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We’re not broken, just bent, and we can learn to love again.
Gotta love Pink’s lyrics. Speaks from the heart and makes a whole lot of sense.
So my last post stirred so much in me. I’ve been asking people how they best express themselves through art. It’s really making me think where I can best express myself. I’m so used in using words but right now, I want to do something different.
Talked with a really good friend last night and talking with him made me realize how much i care about what other people think, if they approve of me. The sinking realization that I only needed my own approval.
I approve of you, Bea!
*woah, that gave shudders. Good feelings tho*
So I’ll be experimenting with art, and I hope I can put it here as I document that journey. I’m thinking of photography and painting. Sudden surge of painting feelings! Also writing songs. I was singing a song to myself earlier today, so maybe that’s a golden sign.
I’ll never know, but I’m happy I’m able to express more. 🙂
I think I need to go back to playing and fooling around with crayons, paint, words and music. I’m no legit artist, but I know I can create, it may be something I will criticize, but I know I can create.
And at this moment, I have this very inherent feeling and need to create something that can probably save my life as of the moment. A prayer, a painting, a song, an essay. Something that I can use to take all this frustration and make it into something beautiful.
I need an easel and canvass. A piano. Pen and paper.
I’m restless. I guess this is what happens when there is no alignment.
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