Celebration

It’s december in a few minutes and I’ve decided to give myself an early gift.

I’ve decided and chose to do a detox for me, to start
off my new year.

Time to create new habits and really fully commit to it.

I am proud of me. I know I can do this.

Passion

If there’s something I’m passionate about, I realized, it’s about caring for other people. And I mean this in a general sense — or maybe more of education and health. 

Yesterday, I was talking to a friend about the RH Bill and I felt so alive, talking and typing and expressing myself. 

(DISCLAIMER: I do not represent anyone’s thoughts but mine.)

Oh and add to that passion is me loving God. And honoring the God in me. 

I just felt that the issue was getting too out of hand and that if there was any real concern for these people, for the Filipino people who needs this bill, I think the more important thing is to show real concern. And this message that I relayed out to my friend, is a message to me too.

I felt really alive fighting for what I believe in, but at the end of the day, do the people concerned feel that I care for them? I started asking myself this question. Do they even care about what I know? 

And then it hit me. 

People don’t care how much you know, until they know how much you care. 

Do they know how much I care? Or do they just hear me giving out facts? 

And I asked myself, how can I show that I care? 

And then it hit me. I’m telling you, public world of the internet, I was afraid to say what I wanted really, because I know that I really want it and that when I say it out loud, there’s no turning back. 

I found it something I did all my life, wherein I found no effort in doing so, it was play time for me. It was something normal, something I was used to doing, and without realizing it, I was leading myself toward that path. 

Caring for others, and teaching them how to care for themselves. 

— that’s what I’m passionate about. 

And that late night conversation last night, maybe it was a wake up call. 

A wake up call to start caring, and start teaching. 

Reignited.

What do you really want?

This is a question that has been bugging me extremely for the past year. Ever since I took Advanced Leadership Course (ALC), this was THE question.

And for a whole year, I kept asking myself that, going on and on and on. Saying that I want this, then I don’t. And then again. And at the end of the day, I was truly disappointed with myself. I felt that I broke so many agreements that I didn’t want to trust myself anymore in declaring what I want.

Until now.

I remember a good friend of mine, Bruce, telling me that I just choose to remember who I am, and whatever I do, whatever I have, will not matter, because what matters is who I be. So for quite some time, end of October til now, it has been a voice inside my head. And wonderful and amazing things have happened. 

I felt myself open up to life, to everything it has to offer. I surprised myself by learning about insurance and wanting to be a financial adviser too. I thought to myself that it was like nursing, except that there is a greater coverage for finances. I suddenly saw myself acknowledging my gifts, my talents and using them more now.

I started accepting me for who I am, and it has been such a long journey. (and it is still on going).

I got my licenses for traditional and variable life, and I was just so happy to have done that. A new journey for me and my mom. I was just soooo grateful.

And then another opportunity knocked on my door. I submitted an application/resume/cv and yesterday, I was scheduled for an interview.

I was really adamant about it at first, but during the interview, I saw myself doing it. And using the current job as a means to connect with more people in the future. And it looked so fun and so simple. My heart was screaming YEEEEEES! and I really felt it. The closing words of my future boss were, “We like you already. It’s just up to you if you’d like to be with us”.

Afterwards, I spent time with my dad, shared what happened, and i was really positive on starting already, on doing that kind of work. I get to travel, write, organize, communicate, and listen in during congress! Amazing. God you really are amazing. (I also got my 2nd license for insurance yesterday).

It was such an amazing day. Truly amazing. I felt myself open to all possibilities.

I shared this story with a good friend of mine, and she asked me, “But B, what do you really want?”

And I suddenly thought to myself. There was this tinge of sadness, of disappointment, the question of “Am i just doing this to get a job?” lingering. But I took a breath, and suddenly, i said, “I want to be happy.”

And that conversation struck me. Not with what she asked me, but how I responded to her question.

That answer has long been inside of me, and I’m just really ecstatic that it’s coming out already.

If ever someone asks me again what do i really want, I have this for an answer:

I want to be happy being me, God’s Beautiful Creation of Light.

 

Nothing more, nothing less.

Amazing Tuesday

Yesterday was one of the most amazing days of my life. I feel so proud of myself for doing something that crazy, real, passionate, courageous and spontaneous.

So what did I do? I auditioned for Miss Saigon. (Yes, without theater experience OR ANYTHING AT ALL, I just wanted to).

I just feel so overwhelmed by my love for myself, allowing myself to express that love. I feel really proud.

It wasn’t about the audition at all. It was more of allowing myself and pushing myself to do something I’ve never done before. (Yes, chorale auditions are still auditions, but this one felt really different for me.

And I know I screwed up the singing part because I was so nervous, but I felt so happy after wards because I felt that I allowed myself not to be perfect, and it was awesome. I just feel so proud.

And I allowed myself to celebrate with laughter, with a friend, with milk tea, and with me being extremely lucky.

I now feel that I can do anything. As crazy as it sounds. And as real as it is. Because I can.

I remember praying the night before, saying, “Lord, let this be a manifestation of who I am, my audition tomorrow.”

And I was, I was the manifestation of my spiritual contract.

Yesterday, what made it awesome, is that I was not afraid to try, nor was I afraid to fail.

Kudos to me.

Be not afraid.

A letter to no one

Dear You,

It has been a long time that I have wanted to tell you this. It was on that fated day when I first met you that my heart stopped. Maybe not literally, but something in me snapped. Like I know that for some reason you would forever be present in my life.

And funnily, you are. I am grateful that you are. I remember having this silly crush on you before and hoping you would feel the same way. But alas, fate had it that our path would go longer than a crush. I became your friend and you became mine. Hence, it started off a beautiful friendship.

I remember sharing secrets, crushes, heartaches, gossip. Staying over at your house and just talking and planning and dreaming. Having those phone conversations that would last a long time and sometimes no one knew we were talking on the phone. Good times.

I remember expecting too much from you, and getting hurt in the process. As a grown up, I now see that I really did expect a lot from you, and for that, I am sorry.
I remember growing apart, but always being there to be for one another, if time, distance and circumstance permits it.

I also remember growing back again as friends and like picking up where we left off. I feel blessed that I have friends who I need not speak to everyday, update about everything in my life but I know they still give a damn about me.

Right now, I am happy. I am happy that I have someone like you in my life. Someone constant, whom I know will always be there. There are times that I believe it’s necessary.

You are home to me. Comfort. Security. Safety. Acceptance and Love. Love on many levels, not just romantic love. On a pono level. Putting it really mushily, I feel that I don’t need to be anyone else when I’m with you. And I am grateful for that.

There are moments that I feel I have this recurring thing for you. I think I like you. Maybe something I can never explain. Maybe it’s the little girl inside me hoping that you will like her someday. I am not really sure. But yeah, I think I do. I am pretty sure that I love you either way, but yeah. I think I like you.

Not to put pressure or anything, I just wanted to say it because I think my feelings matter and that people deserve to know when people like them. Cos I’ve met so many people wanting them to be liked by others (myself included).

I really hope this beautiful friendship will never end.
Because you’re the one person in my life I’d like to remain constant. Forever.

-Me.

Feels Like Home To Me

Allow me to be sentimental, just for this post. I was listening to Chantal Kreviazuk’s Feels Like Home and suddenly, I remember this one person who always felt home to me.

I’m not going to name names, but what I’m sure of is, this person makes me feel at home with him, with myself, and with the world.

I was watching Something Borrowed the other day and I got touched with the line of Ethan, telling Rachel that being with her feels like home to him. And I got struck, and I got myself thinking, maybe its because there’s someone I feel most at home with.

And I saw him, again. Today. And it felt like seeing him for the very first time, and suddenly, I felt home. It was an inch of time, his greeting, before he went on his way. But it got etched in my heart.

I remember the feeling of being lost when he was away for a while, and somehow feeling safe again when I learned of his return.

Crazy. For the longest time, I believed it was because of how long we’ve known each other. But at this moment, it makes perfect sense to me. It makes perfect sense how it’s always him I run to whenever something’s going on in my life that I don’t want to tell anyone else. How it’s okay to not talk when we’re together, and just simply be in silence. How I get him and how he gets me.

I felt home. I felt accepted for being who I am, no need for pretensions, just me. No matter how awkward I am. Or the fact that I am on a discovery trip of knowing what I really want. I felt that I wasn’t judged from jumping from one area to the other, to see where I’d bloom.

I think I’ve never felt this way before about anyone.
And I like this feeling.

I honestly don’t know what he feels, but I do hope, it’s the same.

It feels like home to me, feels like home to me.
Feels like I’m on my way back to where I belong.

Piko

Interesting and very remarkable this Sunday was.

Sunday is always family day. Aaaand we always start the day with a mass. So earlier today, when we went to mass, I was so restless, my mind and heart were not saying the same things. I felt so lost in prayer, and kept trying to look for signs for me to come back and just pray again.

Then I remembered something my friend told me.

“Take a breath”.

So i took several deep breaths, and guess what.

I heard God talking to me. He said, “Bea, don’t worry. I will provide.” I heard it, LOUD AND CLEAR. And I just started welling up and almost crying. I just couldn’t believe how hard I was trying to listen when God’s message was always there.

This year is the year of faith, and I’m blessed to have experienced small miracles like this.

Later on, during the same mass, there was this song that the choir sung. And I was listening. And i heard my dad. This was his song. And then I remembered God’s message for me. It extended up to that song. I really cried hearing it.

Sometimes I try so hard. I really do, and the lesson is actually, surrender.

And take a breath.

Jump In To LIfe

Every body jump in to life!

This line of the song has caught my attention.. and my heart.

I have been in and out of seminars for the past 3 weeks and I have been on a seminar jargon language mode, especially in my head, and I’m really grateful.

Grateful because if not for it, I would still be in denial that i have been in a fog for the longest time. I am not sure how long, but I know that i have been making false choices for the longest time, and I was in a “give up” situation. I am grateful for that talk with a good friend of mine, 3 weeks ago. He kinda got me out of the fog, and helped clear the haziness.

What was hazy? I can’t really put it into words, but what was clear was that I have forgotten who I am. And I have equated myself with this person who saw her worth to what she brought in, to what she weighed, to what who she was career wise.

I am so blessed to have remembered who I am. Apparently, the whole family was going through that journey too. And after remembering who I am, the greatest thing happened.

I jumped into my life.

Suddenly, everything fell into place. I did things i never thought I’d do. I joined this contest and I won and I got to go to this international youth leadership roundtable with Up With People. I met amazing people all over the world, and got re-introduced to social entrepreneurship. I also met Chris Lao, and I saw how amazing it is that there are people in this world believing in the power of the youth and connectedness. Amazing, amazing experience. What Bruce told me got reaffirmed — like how the youth gravitates toward me, effortlessly. And apparently, it is true.

I was also able to facilitate and market START! 🙂 SUCCESS TOOLS AND ROADMAPS FOR TEENS! I am so proud of me for stepping up and allowing myself to be real and comfortable and creating something for myself! Another validation of my spiritual contract.

Right now, I am opening myself to all possibilities. Anything and everything is possible. I am young, I am free and I am a passionate woman, inspiring the youth of the world, with love and joy, NOW.