Cold hard truth

And then you realize that no matter how many times you ask why or how, when you love someone, you just do.

It is what it is.

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Passion

It is breathtaking to hear and listen to someone talk about their dreams– be it who they want to be, what they want to achieve and simply what brings joy and peace to their heart is music to my ears, and maybe “music” to all my senses.

Have you ever observed people talk about what brings them joy? Try looking at their eyes, there’s a certain sense of confidence and trust and if you’re lucky enough to see it, a sparkle or a twinkle in their eyes.
There’s a certain excitement in their voice, and it reflects in the timbre of the story and the rate it goes, as their story progresses. If you would notice their hands, it goes in all directions, as if they cannot contain the positive energy that comes off as they talk about their dreams, the people they love, and what brings them joy.

It is quite addicting, especially when you get to hear AHA moments, and hearing them talk about themselves, their journey of self discovery, and self love.

It is only then that you realize that you have had an encounter with the soul of that person, their full being. It is only then that you see how beautiful people are, and that you are, as well.

“And if you lose yourself, I will find you.” 

Last saturday, as I went to mass all by myself, because I think I wouldn’t make it to sunday mass, and attended anticipated mass. It has always been an amazing experience, going to mass all by myself. 

I have been beating myself up lately because I feel spiritually disconnected in the most important time to be connected with God. (Well, for me, that is). Things have been going haywire — in the most literal sense, in my life because I feel like i don’t pray. (i know, too much guilt, for no apparent reason). 

But last Saturday’s celebration of the Holy Eucharist was somehow a gentle hug, a reminder that I am still loved, and that there is a plan for me. 

For several days, or probably weeks, I have been doubting myself– in all aspects. I have been too focused on one thing in my life that I have the tendency of forgetting the rest. It’s like I allowed my work to define who I am, but it’s only a part of who I am. I have been making excuses for everything because I want to rest, I want to have everything under control. I want things done my way. 

And yes, you’ve guessed right. The lesson once again is about surrendering, letting go and acceptance. 

Last Sunday’s gospel reminded me of who I really am — my spiritual contract, and also reminded me to open my eyes, because maybe, I haven’t been seeing clearly. 

And I did open my eyes. 

The world is beautiful. My world is beautiful, and that everything that is happening is just a perfect plan unfolding for me. I am reminded that life isn’t perfect, and I don’t need to force perfection upon it. 

It also reminded me to take a breath. *deep breath*

Surrender and let go. 

How magnificent it is to realize that I am not alone. 

Falling in love

I am in love with the sky, the same as I am in love with colors. How each and every hue creates this vibrant leap from my eyes to my heart. I wish I can say the same for people. 

 

But maybe, I fall in love with people’s souls. How beautiful and wonderful everyone is, beneath all the pain, all the hurt, all the struggle. 

 

And in that, they’re all the same, every time. 

I accept

Today I swallowed a big courage pill.

It was a regular work day, and I was on my long journey to work. I was praying the rosary in the bus and just felt myself let go. No need to perfect how I say the rosary, I know I was praying for safety. I was just relaxed and I wanted to just be.

I was listening to the radio after I was just feeling that today was extra hot and that there was nothing really wrong with it.

It was typically a normal day. I was even proud of myself for being able to share my umbrella with someone I didn’t know.

I kindof knew I would be spending quite some time in the bank, so I decided to text message someone I serve with at the Edsa Shrine. I swallowed my pride — being right and looking good and I asked for support, if she knows if there is an opening at the hospital where she works. And her answer was simple and asked me to send her my resume, so I did.

I was feeling really excited and nervous and also simply surrendered to whatever will happen. If God wills it, then so be it.

I went on with my day, spending the afternoon with one of my best friends. We had lunch, talked about life and just how we’re journeying right now.

And then, it became a series of blessedness. Series of lucky events.
1. My friend and I had lunch because my cue number for the bank was 251 and they were only serving 205.
When I went back, I was the one next.
2. I trusted my gut and peed before going to the next bank.
3. Fast transaction with the next bank.
4. Found telefax and scanner
5. Gizmo problem was raised.

I was feeling pretty proud and confident. I felt that I was taking charge of my life, not allowing just circumstances to take over. I even got affirmed by someone i called from this certain hospital because I was showing commitment.

So I was just feeling really lucky that my parents were in the same area that I was and they waited for me before we all went home.

I never knew what my courage and trust could do.

While in the car, an unknown number called my dad. And it was for me.

The hospital I submitted my requirements to called up to ask if I was available for an exam and interview tomorrow.

Of course, the obvious answer is, YES!

I am feeling pretty psyched and blessed and extremely grateful.

I am ready, and I accept all the blessings, Lord.

And to think I just told myself today that it’s time I take initiative and stop complaining.

And everything fell into place.

You are magnificent, Lord!!!

Throwback Tuesday

I was browsing through my old notes and I saw this:

‘m always missing people. I have this tendency to get really attached to the people I get close with.
It’s not a big problem, really. Just that I always tend to miss people.

FOR EXAMPLE.

I never thought that I’d be really attached to the chorale family. I remember joining it because I really wanted to support Cha, who was one of my favorite classmates because she’s awesome (HI CHA). I remember our class writing in that petition because we really want to support her in bringing the chorale back. 4th year came and I was true to my word, I auditioned. And I never thought I would commit as much to the chorale.

I remember telling my friend that I wanted to bring back or re-recognize my talents, and trying out for chorale was part of it. I thought i fulfilled something for myself, but then I realized that I didn’t just do it for myself, to find myself again with my talents and whatelse, but it was because I wanted to be part of a family in the college I am in.

I remember having a talk with RJ and he was telling me that he always felt at home and felt the family vibe all the time. I was sitting there, in awe with what he said, and then I realized how much I FELT that family vibe as well. I suddenly realized that it was the group of people I was extremely comfortable being myself with, even if I knew them for a short time only.

There’s always magic in music, and this magic I experienced all year round.

Himig came and practices were more often. I remember that everytime I write in my planner, I would always write something about loving our practices, whatever it may result to. Himig Day came and it was magical. I felt that we were one, we were one family, and whatever happens, that matters. Win or lose, we would still win, because we had each other.

After himig, all I could see on facebook was I miss yous and pictures where we would make chat rooms because we hardly saw each other as regularly as it were during our practices. We had 1 last performance. Our conductress’ recital. That one person who believed in us always, whose pure, good heart made us whole, for she never stopped believing in us. I think that’s a big factor why we all love each other.

Yesterday was our last official day, and I can’t help but cry. I’ve been in the chorale for only a year and it’s really memorable. It’s the cherry on top of my college experience. You guys are my family in the college of nursing and I’m happy I chose to be with you guys more. It’s actually not sinking in that we’re leaving, seriously. Probably because I know that as a family, even if we’re apart, we’re still with each other, whatever happens. 

What breaks my heart is the physical separation. But it’s okay. For those who love us never really leave us, right? 🙂

I love you Nursing Chorale. Far longer than forever, to the moon and back and back again. 🙂

 

I write goddamn well. 😉

If there is anything sweeter than this, please let me know.

I woke up in the morning
The sun was shining bright
But I knew something was missing
And it’s you.

My friend texted this to me, saying that it was her younger brother, who’s around 8 or 10 or 11, sang this to her — his own lyrics and own tune. Now, I don’t know how the tune goes, but the lyrics are simply divine. 

Now, if only he was around my age, I’d say yes. But goes to show that sweetness and love comes from any age, given freely and wholly. Sincere and simple. 

Love is all around, always.

Death

For the past few days, or the past week, actually, I have been exposed to so much deaths — well not directly, but to the people close to me. Just a sad reality, but also a solid reality that life isn’t really mine. A realization that everything in this life is borrowed and there is no sense of security ever. That at any given point, there is no assurance that we will be alive tomorrow.

As I was growing up, it was normal for me to see deaths. It was a known fact for me, it was something normal. But even so, it still felt surreal, and very uneasy. I found it confusing, saddening, disappointing and full of regrets. I think our parent’s exposure to us to different wakes, necrological services and funerals probably led to me being a quite numb.

And it resurfaces, every now and then, me being numb during the whole process. It became something normal, not until the people involved were people close to me. It resurfaced, the feelings of not wanting to feel anything, but I feel lucky and blessed that I allowed myself to feel too. Right now, in the wakes that I have attended, I allow myself to cry, and to feel the pain. But I also allow myself to be happy for the one who passed away. There is this look of peace and joy in their faces that one cannot deny that they also decided to go forward in life.

In a mass yesterday, the priest said that in this life, we will never know when it will be our time to go. It got me thinking that I never know when it will be my time and if I always chase after what could happen, rather than accepting that death will and is a part of this life I’m living, I could never be at peace.

So I was thinking during mass yesterday that A LOOOOOT of people would like to know how would people react when they die. (Myself included). I concluded it was because of the feeling of absolute and pure love. The feeling that A LOT of people love you, til the very end. And as selfish as it may seem, I don’t think it’s selfish because I guess it’s pretty normal to want to feel loved, and show love and be loved. It’s one of the intangible things that keep us truly alive.

And then I got thinking of what If I was at my own funeral to give myself a eulogy? What would I be saying/telling everyone?

And thus started my new project. I am asking around anyone who is willing to write their own eulogy, and I’ll be collecting this. I do not know what to do with it yet, I could make a book out of it, considering I have several ideas so, please, I WAS FIRST (whoever’s thinking of this as a means for a book), or I could just keep it and mail it to the family when that person dies.. I don’t know yet. I’m just sure that it’s a way to cope with death earlier and accept that at any point, anyone and everyone will die. (No brutality with this, just actual reality) And everyone will be one step closer to meeting God, which I think is an ultimate goal.

So if you’re interested in this new project, please comment here and let me know! I’d love to see how you’d write about yourself. (In the 3rd person, of course!)