“And if you lose yourself, I will find you.” 

Last saturday, as I went to mass all by myself, because I think I wouldn’t make it to sunday mass, and attended anticipated mass. It has always been an amazing experience, going to mass all by myself. 

I have been beating myself up lately because I feel spiritually disconnected in the most important time to be connected with God. (Well, for me, that is). Things have been going haywire — in the most literal sense, in my life because I feel like i don’t pray. (i know, too much guilt, for no apparent reason). 

But last Saturday’s celebration of the Holy Eucharist was somehow a gentle hug, a reminder that I am still loved, and that there is a plan for me. 

For several days, or probably weeks, I have been doubting myself– in all aspects. I have been too focused on one thing in my life that I have the tendency of forgetting the rest. It’s like I allowed my work to define who I am, but it’s only a part of who I am. I have been making excuses for everything because I want to rest, I want to have everything under control. I want things done my way. 

And yes, you’ve guessed right. The lesson once again is about surrendering, letting go and acceptance. 

Last Sunday’s gospel reminded me of who I really am — my spiritual contract, and also reminded me to open my eyes, because maybe, I haven’t been seeing clearly. 

And I did open my eyes. 

The world is beautiful. My world is beautiful, and that everything that is happening is just a perfect plan unfolding for me. I am reminded that life isn’t perfect, and I don’t need to force perfection upon it. 

It also reminded me to take a breath. *deep breath*

Surrender and let go. 

How magnificent it is to realize that I am not alone. 

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Falling in love

I am in love with the sky, the same as I am in love with colors. How each and every hue creates this vibrant leap from my eyes to my heart. I wish I can say the same for people. 

 

But maybe, I fall in love with people’s souls. How beautiful and wonderful everyone is, beneath all the pain, all the hurt, all the struggle. 

 

And in that, they’re all the same, every time. 

Amazingly Beautiful

So, I was supposed to create a post that would entail me ranting and writing about my Transition year, a day before my birthday. Guess what? I didn’t write it. 

Right now, I feel like writing it. 

My transition year was a roller coaster year for me. That is the full summary and the perfect way for me to describe it. Do you remember the feeling of getting on a roller coaster for the first time? Try to remember what you felt, from the lining up all the way til it ended. That was what my past year was. 

Lining up for the rollercoaster describes how I was when I was waiting for my 21st birthday. I was so hyped up, so excited, and so full of joy. IT WAS GOING TO BE MY FIRST TIME (being 21 HAHAHA). Same emotions if you would ride a roller coaster. But, as the date approached, similar to how one would feel when you get nearer to riding the rollercoaster of death (or just an extremely cool one, full of spins and twists and turns), there are pangs of anxiety that cannot be explained. 

The start of my 21st year was beautiful. I remember spending time with my family, with my good friends and really started feeling like an adult. Similar to how I feel when i ride a roller coaster. Really excited, but there’s this sinking feeling of “what if I die?” And yes, the ride of my 21st year did start really slow. Double checking everything if it were intact, if I was safe, and if I was ready to go. 

I was like that during my 21st year. Making sure everything was safe. Making sure that I have everything I need before making a move. 

And then the launch of the rollercoaster happened. I remember starting my year full of joy, full of passion, full of relentless pursuit and service. My time to OC, the time i took so many risks to get out of the house. MY MOMENT TO ESCAPE AND REBEL AND FEEL THAT I NEED TO BE BAD. HAHAHAHA. 

Remember that liberating feeling when the rollercoaster sets forth once it gets launched? THAT. 

And the whole year, it went up and down. Employment, Resigning, Entering something, making wrong choices, making good choices. UP AND DOWN AND UP AND DOWN. 

I was thinking to myself, maybe it’s not my year, as i was evaluating how my year has been. But something that happened during that year made me realize why it was such an amazing year for me. 

Last year, i lived. I dared my life to unfold. I had no planner, I had no plans, I was just discovering the beauty of who I am — both the good and the bad, and even if it wasn’t something I can get used to at the beginning, I found it extraordinarily beautiful. 

I am beautiful. I am amazingly beautiful. 

That’s why I’m so excited this 2013. This will be the time that I set forth and let the whole world know who I am 🙂