Every new start has its joys and sorrows. In my case, I call it birth pains.
I have been experimenting, or soul searching if you must with my life recently. Apparently, what I thought I wanted, I really didn’t want. Maybe I did but not what I really wanted.
It has been such a big deal for me to face that. I have always lived my life thinking that in the future, I will be a doctor. I will be in the medical field because I was smart and I had the heart to help other people and heal other people. I was so focused in being that giving person, that I forgot to give to someone.. MYSELF.
Since October last year, I have been rediscovering myself. Going on and off about what I want and just allowing myself to be. ME as me. And loving myself for all things — not just the good ones. But the awful-ones-that-I-don’t-usually-want-to-talk-about as well. So it has been such a journey. Figuring out that there are things I’m really good at, and I recognizing those things because I am great. (And not just in school and making awesome notes). For a moment, I thought I was just really good in academics — studying and taking tests. Apparently not. I’m so grateful to be discovering new talents (actually talents that have been there for the longest time but I only recognized now), and learning so many new things! Akalain mo nga naman diba!!!! I really said goodbye to my limiting box of beliefs of what I can do and what I can’t.
So, what’s the pain all about? I think this is the question you, dear reader may ask since I started off this story with “Birth Pains”. Well, because of the continuous changes I have been accepting in my life, besides the good stuff that it has brought me, there are also some things that I wiiiish I could escape.. The ugly parts.
The part where I start doubting myself if I could do such things, if I am capable of venturing into something new that I didn’t study for 4 years. It’s an everyday fight for what I know I can do and the voice in my head saying I can’t do it. It’s an everyday fight for my vision, for what I want for me. It’s an everyday fight for me. I’ve experienced the ups and downs of it, and the downs are not really good. And maybe those are birth pains.
Birth pains because maybe it’s not at all easy doing something new, something big. It’s fun, and I love learning, I can say that. But it’s not that easy.
I’m kinda happy that right now, I’m not really dwelling on the pain and anger that I felt, and recognizing that it is part of life.
Oooh gotta be grateful for feeling again. Or else I’ll be numb. I’ll talk about that soon enough. 🙂
Birth pains — may hurt, but somehow really a beautiful experience.