My lesson on Fear

Fear is one word in my vocabulary that I’m very familiar with. Fear is something alive in my blood, something I feel in every inch of my body.

Fear is something that placed me where I am right now. I have been shaped so much by my fear and right now, I think it’s what people see me as. Not as a fearful woman, but what my fear has made me.

So, if you would ask, what is my fear? I fear rejection, I fear pain, I fear being disliked. And I lived with that fear. Every single move, calculated. I was afraid to look bad in front of my parents, my friends. How would that look like? Small things. Getting embarrassed for the smallest things like tripping, spilling something on myself, or doing something an ideal eldest sibling would not do (getting wasted, having bad grades.) If I looked bad, I will not live up to the standards of what an “ate” should be. I fear being imperfect, and such were my actions. Well calculated, very prim and proper, forcing myself to grow up and be the “best”.

Perhaps there is truly nothing wrong with that, considering where I am right now. I have no regrets of what my fear has done to me, but I know, I know deep in my heart that there is something so much greater than this. Something so much greater than the sinking feeling of the fear eating me up alive everyday.

Funny how people think fear fuels their lives. I learned, along the way that fear was vital for me to experience for me to discover a magnificent part of myself, of my being.

I actually came to a point wherein I got so tired of living in fear, living to what society (in my case, my family) thought of me, expected of me. I wanted to break loose, to break free. I was sure of it. But how?

Then I heard this tiny voice in me, telling me to choose love, choose courage. To speak my heart, and just allow myself to be free, to be free from all the fear, all the blame, shame and guilt. And just to let out that tiny voice, and maybe, just maybe, the possibilty of someone listening to me (rather than rejecting me) can happen. And I did. I broke free from all the fear, all the limits and how wonderful it is to live choosing love. Making my love so much bigger than my fear.

“Perfect love casts out fear” 1 John 4:18 — I saw this on a bracelet my classmate in ikepono was wearing, probably months after I started taking control of my life and breaking free of my fear. It was a simple reminder, yet til at this moment, etched in my heart.

Fear is a part of life, as much as we want to escape it. I sure did try, it didn’t work. Completely surrendering to it, and allowing my love to take over it helped me A WHOLE LOT. And I’m so proud to say right now, that I have broke free. I wish you will too, soon. Baby steps!

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