What do you really want?

This is a question that has been bugging me extremely for the past year. Ever since I took Advanced Leadership Course (ALC), this was THE question.

And for a whole year, I kept asking myself that, going on and on and on. Saying that I want this, then I don’t. And then again. And at the end of the day, I was truly disappointed with myself. I felt that I broke so many agreements that I didn’t want to trust myself anymore in declaring what I want.

Until now.

I remember a good friend of mine, Bruce, telling me that I just choose to remember who I am, and whatever I do, whatever I have, will not matter, because what matters is who I be. So for quite some time, end of October til now, it has been a voice inside my head. And wonderful and amazing things have happened. 

I felt myself open up to life, to everything it has to offer. I surprised myself by learning about insurance and wanting to be a financial adviser too. I thought to myself that it was like nursing, except that there is a greater coverage for finances. I suddenly saw myself acknowledging my gifts, my talents and using them more now.

I started accepting me for who I am, and it has been such a long journey. (and it is still on going).

I got my licenses for traditional and variable life, and I was just so happy to have done that. A new journey for me and my mom. I was just soooo grateful.

And then another opportunity knocked on my door. I submitted an application/resume/cv and yesterday, I was scheduled for an interview.

I was really adamant about it at first, but during the interview, I saw myself doing it. And using the current job as a means to connect with more people in the future. And it looked so fun and so simple. My heart was screaming YEEEEEES! and I really felt it. The closing words of my future boss were, “We like you already. It’s just up to you if you’d like to be with us”.

Afterwards, I spent time with my dad, shared what happened, and i was really positive on starting already, on doing that kind of work. I get to travel, write, organize, communicate, and listen in during congress! Amazing. God you really are amazing. (I also got my 2nd license for insurance yesterday).

It was such an amazing day. Truly amazing. I felt myself open to all possibilities.

I shared this story with a good friend of mine, and she asked me, “But B, what do you really want?”

And I suddenly thought to myself. There was this tinge of sadness, of disappointment, the question of “Am i just doing this to get a job?” lingering. But I took a breath, and suddenly, i said, “I want to be happy.”

And that conversation struck me. Not with what she asked me, but how I responded to her question.

That answer has long been inside of me, and I’m just really ecstatic that it’s coming out already.

If ever someone asks me again what do i really want, I have this for an answer:

I want to be happy being me, God’s Beautiful Creation of Light.

 

Nothing more, nothing less.

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